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Even in death…
I
doubt that anyone, in suggesting
this article to me, had any idea of
just how well qualified I am for
such an endeavour. Let me explain: the
obvious reason is the recent death of
Samuel, my 17-year-old, against a
backdrop of fragile – now precariously
ill – parents, and a second son with
significant, at times life-threatening,
health problems. Hospitals have been
my life, for many years.
But it is not for any of this, really, that I
feel qualified (if the reader will forgive
this somewhat pompous description) to
write. You see, no one outside God and
me really knows how much I approach
this topic as an extension of my every
waking thought – my obsession – fear
and worry. This is far from a jesting
boast, though there may be amusement
in the absurdity of it. I certainly have to
laugh in dismay at times. But if there is
someone reading this who is more
prone to worry, anxiety and fear than I
am, I would dearly love to meet him or
her. I might garner some tips on
retaining spiritual equilibrium while
churning in a sea of terrors.
displace those fears, and God will keep
me in absolute peace, when I keep my
thoughts fixed on Him. When.
Samuel (pictured three days before he
died) was in a death dance with cancer
for most of his life, with periods of a
form of normality between the
onslaughts of medical interventions and
chemotherapy. Although he was born
with the disadvantage of Trisomy 21
(Down syndrome) his cancer became a
greater obstacle and identifying feature
than his other problems. But you could
say that there was always plenty of
opportunity to practise trusting in God
and in His unknowable plans for us.
Along with this, for much of my
Christian walk there has been a gradual
but engrossing discovery taking place,
best summarised as an appreciation of
and growing delight in the sovereignty
of God. Part of my journey from
Pentecostal (and confused wilderness)
to Reformed has been the embracing of
a God who is too great and mighty and
downright glorious to be contained and
explained. Who does not conform to
our very human (and erroneous)
notions of how things should be for
nice, earnest, Bible-believing folks.
Who does not owe us an explanation
for why our child is born deformed or
disabled or ill unto death. Who dares to
bring about the one thing non-
believers most deplore – the
death of a child.
It is an ineffable blessing
and joy, though, to be
able to state, and feel,
that God does as He
chooses, and this is
absolutely fine
with me, since
His knowledge
and His
providence are way
beyond my
comprehension. How
could I question Him?
Morag Zwartz
SUMMER 2012
7
But I appreciate one does not come
lightly to this view, and I have the
sermons and writings and
commentaries of our Reformed heritage
to thank, in as much as they have
elucidated the glorious truths of
Scripture.
That is not to say there are not times
when it requires great effort to
overcome a sense that my burden is too
great, that I am sinking, or that I
cannot face another day. Some readers
will also identify with the particular
anguish of loved ones not yet in the
Kingdom – yet another challenge to
our trust and our peace of mind.
Because Samuel’s cancer kept returning
and because each time he relapsed we
faced the probability of his death, I had
many opportunities to nut these things
out with God, to ponder and to grasp
His promises, and to cling to Him just
to keep functioning at the most
frightening moments. After one relapse
Before I deter you completely, let me
hasten to say that I have managed to
acquire techniques and helps for this
journey through dark places, and can
say with genuine conviction that my
hope is in God who does not fail me,
and that I have proved Him over and
over again. I cannot yet say that I have
reached my greatest desire, which is to
love God without wavering, without
fear, and unmoved by calamity or
death. I know, I know, perfect love will
While we grit our
teeth and grasp on
to Him, God,
meanwhile is holding
us, and His is the
grip that matters!
God promises grace – precisely when it is needed.